For the past several months, I’ve been quietly documenting the weird and erratic ramblings of my brother. I feel it’s time to share some of these gems with the public, so that I no longer have to put up with it alone. Enjoy.
1. “I just threatened to kill you. At least give me the decency of acknowledging that.”
2. “Thank you. Your suggestion is appreciated and promptly discarded.”
3. “I took a self confidence test the other day, it doesn’t matter why, and I got a 29 out of 30.”
4. “Hey man. It’s a shtick and it works.”
5. “Basically everything up to to this point in my life, i shouldn’t have been involved in.”
6. “Any psychologist would want to have you as a sister, Olivia. You’re just a lot of fun to dissect.”
7. Me: “Oh and I suppose if 400 people jumped off a cliff, you would to?”
Him: “Yes. Because there would be a soft landing due to the 400 corpses.”
8. “I find you distressing, to say in the very least.”
9. “You’re deflecting with humor again, Olivia.”
10. “You seem depressed. Like the kind of depressed that’s depressing to be around.”
11. “When in doubt, insult Olivia.”
12. “Yeah, whatever. Life’s too long. Do what you have to do to numb yourself through it.”
13. “Listen, I may be a Charlatan, but at least I know my business.”
14. Me: “I don’t consider myself to be ‘easy’, but you give me a man with a trampoline and I’ll marry him on the spot.”
Brother: “Shoot higher. Don’t settle for less than two trampolines. I know you’re a ho, but be a quality ho.”
15. “You’re the only bullshit I put up with in this life, Olivia.”
16. “Meh. Life’s short. Eat the cheese.”
17. “Are you threatening this poor world that you’re going to procreate?”
18. Me: “I gotta start being a better example to you. I’m 3 years older than you and I need start acting more mature.”
Brother: “You’ve never tried being the mature one. Why would you start now at 5 a.m. on the 4th of July?”
19. “Follow me. This is the way of wealth and selfishness…or as I like to call it: Welfishness.”
20. Brother, staring blankly at me while rubbing his forehead, after I just went on for 10 minutes about how much I love the “Before” movies and why they’re amazing:
“Well. That’s…that’s great, Olivia. Everyone needs a cinematic cornerstone as a basis for their life philosophy and it looks like you found yours, dear.”
21. “You learn a couple things when your sister’s a snitch.”
And finally, I think it’s only fair to add this last quote, if only to mess with your minds and show that he’s actually just a big softie
22: “You’re a flower dipped in gold, sis.”
*sniff*